A Clash of Personas
There is strife brewing within me.
I find myself caught between two warring sides yearning for my attention: The Tinkerer who thinks and The Caretaker who acts. Who do I choose to be my advisor in life?
The Tinkerer proposes grand schemes; he always toils away in the background noise of the world. He is always aware, always focused and always deliberating. Ambitions are his calling. He will see them all through to the end of their journeys. There is always a next step planned ahead. He accounts for shortcomings and setbacks, promptly responding with a contingency up his sleeve. But he meanders along, making preparations behind closed doors for days that may never come to pass. Even when he has learned all he needs to know, he keeps pressing for more knowledge and wisdom. He never acts unless he has thought a few steps ahead. Sometimes, he never acts at all… Yielding to self-doubt and inner criticism.
The Caretaker acts solely on principle; he has sworn an oath to honour himself. He takes action by maintaining a system of order, governing day-day operations and above all else, executing the plan. He leaps into the fray, dauntless in the face of adversity. But sometimes he deviates off-course: a distraction lasts longer than expected, or an obstacle takes longer to overcome. Yet he persists onward. Whether the battle ends in victory or defeat is uncertain… but he doesn’t care about the outcome. He pays no attention to the score: that is the tinkerer’s role. He is simply a man of action, getting the job done, no matter the cost. Discipline is in his nature. He is a warrior who will see things through to the end - a duty he performs diligently with every ounce of his being.
Yet, neither of them are strong. Both are susceptible to weakness.
The Tinkerer lingers on regrets for far too long, forever ruminating on his considered path and what has already been written in the past. He is embroiled in the expired disputes within friendships and family bonds. He deludes himself to think that his paralytic analysis is a measure of “learning from his mistakes” – though this is not the case.
While The Caretaker doesn’t obsess with such frivolous affairs of rational thinking, sometimes his brash actions affect the livelihoods of others. His lack of tact wounds those around him, but he does not take heed of his actions. He says and does as he pleases. There is no accountability for what he does. Therefore old alliances crumble, and friends turn to enemies in his wake.
Neither opts to co-exist with the other: for each of them observe the perceived flaws in the other’s doctrine. They focus on domination, a complete reign over my soul. But ironically, The Tinkerer and The Caretaker depend on each other.
One cannot simply live without its counterpart. Balance is required for harmony.
Despite their fundamental differences, they neglect to see the deeper truth. Both share a hidden commonality: a single perpetual thought that echoes louder as the days breeze by. A reminder rooted in insecurity that motivates their desires: “I’m not good enough”. So they both fight for worth and self-preservation. Each of them is bound by their own dogma. A contest of pride to prove themselves superior, while they both bury down their glaring flaws.
However, they need not quarrel within me. Their battle is not between them at all. It was ignited by words uttered in the darkness of the past, by influential shadows lurking in the recesses of insight.
The cruel weight of words burdened The Tinkerer with self-doubt and crippled The Caretaker with callousness.
If they are to succeed, they must form an alliance.
Beyond their line of sight, creeping amidst the fissures of grey matter lies their true enemy. A plague that has used subtle influence to fracture the foundations of each opposing side.
A host of inner demons that infuse idle thoughts and emotions with fear. The tyrants have launched forth a tirade of neurosis to petrify both compatriots for far too long.
It is time for The Tinkerer and The Caretaker to make their stand. To take up arms and rise against the scourge that has reigned supreme for as long as I can remember.
Only then can they realise that they serve one another. Together, they harmonise. Though it may be a reluctant acceptance between allies, they will learn to co-exist. A war between opposing parts of myself can finally cease. And I can finally acknowledge the acceptance within: The Tinkerer will always think, The Caretaker will always act, but I will forever remain whole.
I noticed this discord between The Tinkerer and The Caretaker within me and I often am at a loss on how to proceed with most things. Do I continue to deliberate my next step or do I act now and learn from it? Naturally, I channelled these warring thoughts into a piece!
Day 10 - This piece was posted as part of the 31 Days of Content Challenge that I undertook in March 2022.